3 men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live, only if they could achieve one thing. They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each. The first person returned with apples, the leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1....2 he screamed. The next person came back with grapes, 1,2,3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing, he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well, "well i saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples"
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says “Your mother, of course.” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says “You’re so so sexy!”
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness. Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!"
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
There is one rapist among us
One day, a girl was showering with her mom, she pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)". The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied:" In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
a teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favourite football team is saying "raise you hand if it is Scunthorpe" every student but one raised their hand. the teacher asks "why don't you support Scunthorpe?" the child answers "my parents support Grimsby and so do I". the teacher comes back with "why are you copying your parents? what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" the child answers then i'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards"
Gow do you keep tour friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
Big hands.
so the coach got mad at me cause im the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum and i was just keeping the ball to myself and the coach pulled me aside and said pass to others i said why and he said theres no i in team and i said ya but theres an m e
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing but when i the it people just looked horrified.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s jump at his funeral
I told a joke and some1 said "no one asked" then i said "no one would care to even ask"
2 men ran into a bar, you would have thought after the first one hit it the second one would have seen it
my teacher: if you could go anywhere where would you go...me: demon slayer. my teacher: why. the quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese Restaraunt. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what is going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
Your hairline is so long when you finally found the length of your hairline you told it to some one and they said don’t give me your phone number
One good thing about lynching during the holidays, free tree ornaments
My family is like a apple tree my sister is that ugly one that has to ruin in
