So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"
I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
Big hands.
What is the difference between a Mexican maid and a Jewish maid?
One of them won’t clean the oven.
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine." I only have one line.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
I love all races, even the bad ones.
What was one phrase Michael Jackson said to a boy in his bed? Baby, be mine.
Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.
I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!
I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.
The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"
Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.
What's the difference between Al Qaeda and Ms. Frizzle? One flew a plane into the Twin Towers; one flew a bus into the school.
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
What's the difference between a feminist and a pencil?
One of them has a POINT:)
I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store!
