Old

Old jokes

Chimney

    • What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?

    "You're too young to smoke!"

    That's not even a bad joke-

    Mama

    • Yo mama so old, she was Jesus' nanny! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    Yo mama

    • Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

    Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

    Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

    Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

    Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

  • 5

    • Parachute

    • Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.

    Donald faced the other four and orders:

    "I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."

    Tony jumps off.

    "Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."

    Francis jumps off.

    Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."

    Hillary jumps off.

    Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."

    Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"

  • 2
    • Old memes

    Woman

    • A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

    She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

    “About 32,” is the reply.

    “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

    Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

    “I was behind you at McDonalds’."

  • 3

    • Generation

    • The humor of this generation of kids shouldn't be called 'brain rot'; it should be called 'brain rape.' I believe most people of this generation that aren't 5-year-olds could agree with me, but my mind and thoughts have been violated by the things that kids these days find funny and entertaining. #SKIBIDDI

  • 0

    • Sex

    • So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?

    I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"

    Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?

    But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!

    Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.

  • 3

    • Sock

    • What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?

    They both like keeping one sock for themselves.

  • 1

    • Condom

    • True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.

  • 1

    • Boy

    • What's the difference between a 14-year-old boy and an 8-year-old boy?

    The 14-year-old is on top, the 8-year-old is on the bottom.