Old jokes
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, because his parents ran away.
Double whammy. Orphan jokes are like a kid with cancer; it never gets old. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌👌
In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:
"Jfc, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to God you’re so fucking bougie."
(Pause)
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan..."
"Jeff who?"
"Bezos."
How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.
Her: Prove it.
Me: (opens freezer)
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
true though
World leaders are so old, they've got nostalgia for the Cambrian explosion.
If R. Kelly was a therapist:
14 year old: I hate my life.
R. Kelly: I feel you.
Hey Jorden Calerendiá, your last name sounds like a sea food shop that I get my fish from.
Your roasting is trash just like you. Boy, stop roasting on Addison and Gwen and others; you're probably 5 years old trying to dislike that. That roasting is like from 1920, get a life.
My name is Gwen, and I say rape jokes aren't funny. It's not funny for people to have sex with you without you agreeing. Also, they're getting old and NOT FUNNY! If anyone has something to say, please do. Comment if you agree or not. It's okay; I want to hear what you say. Just tell me if they are not funny.
We will have a contest to see how many people comment on saying they're good and funny, or people saying they're bad and terrible jokes and should not be made. May the best votes and comments win.
Did you hear about the new P. Diddy meal in McDonald's? It's a 56-year-old meat inside a 12-year-old bun.
What did the 19-year-old say to the 12-year-old?
Wanna play Mario Smash Bros without Mario or his bros?
What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?
The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.
What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
What is old, cold, and alone?
An orphan's parents.
Remember that 18 year old girl I set you up with?
Why not?
Too old.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on a 5-year-old's face.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"
I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"
Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.
The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."
She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"