Old jokes
How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.
I like Christmas.
It’s the holiday where an old man breaks into people’s homes so he can give them toys! :) yaaaaay 😁
Your momma is so old, when she went to the antique store, they wouldn't let her leave.
When I masturbate, things cum.
When an old man does, no one cums.
Q: What's worse than f**king a 2 year old?
A: Wiping the blood off of your clown suit afterwards.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Yo mama is so old that she was born on the first day the universe existed.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
My son and I went on a tour to the Old Trafford Stadium. We were admiring the 76,000 seat arena when he suddenly pointed at the pitch.
“Dad, who is that man camping there?” I said, “Son, that is Bruno Penandes. He lives in that Penalty box. He only performs in small games.”
If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?
Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!
What’s the best part of raping an 11 year old girl?
Killing the little bitch after you’ve finished with her.
I met an amazing girl online. Smart, sexy... uninhibited.
Of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy... I have to admit... The sex was disappointing.
Little Red Riding Hood has to deliver food to her grandma again. She can drive now because she is sixteen. One the way, she accidentally took the wrong way and got to a different forest where her grandma lives now. She found the wrong cottage that looked like her grandma's home. When she opened the door, she found her younger and older sisters of ages 9, 11, 18, and 22. How old is Little Red Riding Hood?
Answer: 16
My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.
An old man gets a call from the IRS.
The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”
Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"
To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."
Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."
The police said "How old are you?"
Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.