Office jokes

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

What does a pencil and a plan have in common?

They were both in the Twin Towers.

What mistake did the manager of the Twin Towers make?

He replaced all the window cleaners with 2 commercial jets.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.

The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

Sign in sheet!

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

What words black people can't say? "Thanks for your help, officer."

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

These people who are offended by rape jokes don’t even understand humor. They think of humor as like a happy thing because humor makes us laugh and laughter makes us happy, but most of the jokes that we laugh at are filled with pain and suffering. If I take a joke like, how many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. Now that joke isn’t making light of the fact that people have marched in the civil rights movement and people have been racially discriminated against. It’s not making light of those, what it’s doing is it’s taking that pain and suffering and making you transcend it for a moment, and showing the absurdity of the human mind, and that is important. Humor at its best takes the bad things in this world that are painful and hard to deal with and makes it something funny.

And before you go in the comments and say I agree with rape, I don’t. I hope everybody who rapes someone to have their dick cut off. My little sister got fucking raped when she was six, and the guy is lucky he got caught by the police and not me, cause if I caught I would have fucking killed him, so I don’t agree with rape, but I still think rape jokes should still not be taken so seriously!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.

One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"

"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.

"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.

"Are you mad?" The police asked.

"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.

"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.

"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.

What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.