Occupation jokes
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was outstanding in his field!
Why did the chef flip a pancake? Because he was a tosser.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.
I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.
What did Pennywise become after LEAVING the circus? Ex-IT.
What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run? A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?
I hear it hurt like hell.
What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?
Get a fucking job.
I've done a ton of work today.
A SKELE-ton of work!
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
3.14% of sailors are pirates.
3.14% of sailors are... π-rates.
Yo mama's so fat, she works in the movie theater as a screen.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."