Occupation jokes
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?
I hear it hurt like hell.
What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?
Get a fucking job.
I've done a ton of work today.
A SKELE-ton of work!
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
3.14% of sailors are pirates.
3.14% of sailors are...
π-rates.
Yo mama's so fat, she works in the movie theater as a screen.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokémon!
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
I used to be a banker...
But then I lost interest.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is the bartender here?"