Occupation jokes
I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!
What's the difference between a businessman and a businesswoman? Wo!
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you gotta hand it to her.
What did the chocolate dentist say to the other chocolate dentist? Did you "chip" a tooth?
If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.
They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.
Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store?
She called for a price check.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."