Occupation jokes
What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?
Cauliflower.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a 14" pizza?
A: The pizza can support a family of four.
My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!
Why is the Champs d'Elysees in Paris lined with trees?
Because German soldiers like marching in the shade!
What do you call a policeman/farmer?
A farmer in blue!
How many Lowe’s could Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s?
I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!
What's the difference between a businessman and a businesswoman? Wo!
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you gotta hand it to her.
What did the chocolate dentist say to the other chocolate dentist? Did you "chip" a tooth?
If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.
They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.
Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store? She called for a price check.