Occupation jokes
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
What do you call a person with no arms or legs at your front door? Mat.
What do you call a blind author?
A Braille writer.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? You might think it’s the "R," but it’s actually the "C".
Why did the clown stop smiling?
Someone chopped his lips off.
What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
-"I want my quarterback."
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
A pirate walked into a pub with a ship wheel attached to his balls. The bartender says, "What the hell is that?"
The pirate said, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
What do you call a private nun?
Nun-o-yo-business.
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.