Statistics jokes

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile. However, I think that's a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8-year-olds.

I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

"Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death"?

Maybe in infidel America but.... it is #1 in the Glorious Iran.

🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

According to statistics, 5 of 6 people enjoy gang rape.

It's statistically proven that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

What do you call children born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product.

I don't get it.

Orphans are very religious, well mostly. Statistics say that roughly 2/3 of the orphan population go to church. I mean it's the only place they can call someone "father".

Which is Ronaldo's favorite son, Matteo or Cristiano Junior?

Neither. His favorite is San Marino, perfect for stat-padding with tap-ins and penalties!

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.