Now jokes

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

I was Gandalf the Grey.

But now, after just three washes...

Hi my sweet friends! This is for everyone who needs help right now :)

"Alex! We need to talk! Now!"

Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!

My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Nnnbgfdddddrr.

How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?

That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Why is arson so fun?

IT'S A FIRE ACTIVITY!

HAHAHAHAHAHAPAHAAHAHIIRTAASIISISISHRNHHTHTHTHHNHSHSNIHTAHE

Day 83 of being trapped in þis room. I made a language. I call it hertof. I speak wiþ þe walls now.

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.

I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What is the difference between genders and the Twin Towers?

They used to be two, now it's a touchy subject.

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.