Now Jokes

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

What is the difference between genders and the Twin Towers?

They used to be two, now it's a touchy subject.

Tried a random comic generator. Half of the ai generated comics don’t make sense, but the other half…

A three-panel comic strip from the Joking Hazard Random Comic Generator. The first panel shows two figures. One says, "My wife just died." The second panel shows the same two figures now smiling at each other. The third panel shows one of them saying, "HELL YEAH!" The comic generator website is titled "RANDOM COMIC GENERATOR 3.0" with the description "Millions of combinations! Create and share your own!".

I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.

I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

I used to hate foot fungus, but now it's growing on me.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

Does your cat scratch you?

Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.

A man went to buy 5 undies, so he said, "Hi, 5 undies, please, 1 for each weekday." Then another man comes and said, "Hi, 7 undies please, 1 for each day, and they'll finish cleaning by Sunday." So the cashier said, "Now that's more like it!" And then another person said, "Hi, 12 undies please, wait, I'm gonna double check... January... fe"

These people who are offended by rape jokes don’t even understand humor. They think of humor as like a happy thing because humor makes us laugh and laughter makes us happy, but most of the jokes that we laugh at are filled with pain and suffering. If I take a joke like, how many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. Now that joke isn’t making light of the fact that people have marched in the civil rights movement and people have been racially discriminated against. It’s not making light of those, what it’s doing is it’s taking that pain and suffering and making you transcend it for a moment, and showing the absurdity of the human mind, and that is important. Humor at its best takes the bad things in this world that are painful and hard to deal with and makes it something funny.

And before you go in the comments and say I agree with rape, I don’t. I hope everybody who rapes someone to have their dick cut off. My little sister got fucking raped when she was six, and the guy is lucky he got caught by the police and not me, cause if I caught I would have fucking killed him, so I don’t agree with rape, but I still think rape jokes should still not be taken so seriously!