Now jokes

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

So there was this guy who went swimming one day and got his left side bitten off by a shark.

But don't worry, he is all right now.

Michael J. Fox loves to cook, especially desserts. They now call him "Shake and Bake".

Thank you, anonymous user, for helping me with math a few months ago.

Now I got a 31 on the ACT.

"Na na na na now na na na na now."

Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

The bright side of this pandemic is now both my hands look equally chapped and raw.

What did the North Tower say to the South Tower? I can’t talk right now, I gotta catch a plane.

The longer the relationship, the longer the breakup will hurt you. Better break up now ooo.🤣

Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.

Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronze fish.

"Aren't you going back home now?"

"No, I am going back home."

1. Full name: John.

2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run.

3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream.

4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated.

5. Mental health: mentally retarded.

6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit.

7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named Redwing and the lizard named Notail.

8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock.

9. Working motivation: none.

I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John.

Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?

Because baseball has a home, and an orphan does not.

Laugh now.

I set a gay person on fire. We now call him LGBBQ.

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.