Now jokes

What is the difference between genders and the Twin Towers?

They used to be two, now it's a touchy subject.

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

One day a teacher says: "What does a pig give us?"

A student says: "Bacon!"

The teacher says: "Good! Now, what does a chicken give us?"

A student says: "Eggs!"

The teacher says: "Good! Now, what does a fat cow give us?"

A student says: "Homework!"

The whole class laughs.

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him. That's it for now.

What do you call it when a man named Ned works at Panera Bread?

Panera Ned.

I'm on a roll with my jokes, right now!

You look like a double dipped chocolate chip cliff flipped glazed charcoal slim jim Mr. clog hunch frap, no feet, 9 arms, 17 stomachs. You stepdad beat you with a wiffle ball bat. NBA Youngboy was in your bathroom spitting on you and now you got herpes on your left side cheek.

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

It looks like Kevin Magnussen finally got pole position.

He has the bragging rights that he took over Russia now.

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?

I am in trouble.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"