Not jokes
If you have anger problems, hit an orphan, because who are they going to tell? Not their parents.
Why did the emo cross the road?
To not get to the other side.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"
Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."
Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"
Why shouldn’t you pick on a midget with learning difficulties?
... Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"
There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
I'm not racist, I have a colored TV.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
Everywhere.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
How come I have a father but not a dad?
He was a priest.
Don't be sad, because that's das backwards and das not good.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.
What's the difference between you and an idiot? Not very much if you reword and post the same joke over and over.
I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?
I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.
The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.
Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.
That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.
Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.
Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.
But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.