A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
Not Jokes
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Why shouldn’t you pick on a midget with learning difficulties?
... Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
Everywhere.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
How come I have a father but not a dad?
He was a priest.
I hate when my class want to play hangman. Not because they hang a man, but because I get jealous.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
Don't be sad, because that's das backwards and das not good.
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?
I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.
The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.
Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.
That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.
Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.
Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.
But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
Dark humor is like water.
Not everybody gets it.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
