Not jokes

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.

Obv, unless you share your residence.

Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.

Son: Why, Dad?

Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

What part of a computer system does an orphan not have?

A motherboard.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

What part of a vegetable can you not eat?

The wheelchair.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

What are fish not allowed to have?

Seaweed.

What did Gandalf say to Mario? "You shall not pass!"

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

Bro, your hairline is so far back not even Dora the Explorer can find it!

Hatsune Miku is not from an anime.