Not jokes

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.

He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

I'm not a chef, but boy, are these days getting harder and harder to get through.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

The American Dream is real. It's just set and filmed in Toronto and not Texas.

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

What is heavy forward but not backward?

"Ton."

What's the advantage of being a grade A paedophile? You know it's not period blood.

Not all roses are red; Not all violets are blue; If you're reading this, God loves you.

Fat kid jumps in the pool.

The popular girl: "I thought there was going to be a tsunami."

The fat kid: "I thought trash was not supposed to be in the ocean."

I made an orphan website.

But it did not have a home page.

A phone is like parents. Not everyone has one.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?

He does not like roasted vegetables.

Suicidal thoughts aren’t nice, but nor is life. So why not get them both done and over with?

Why don't orphans drink milk?

'Cause their parents have not came back with it yet.

One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.