Not jokes

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?

The devil always has horns... not just around children.

When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."

I want your weight, not your phone number.

Why is there only a glory hole in the handicapped stall in some public men's restrooms?

Because a gay man that is not physically handicapped can't receive a blow job from a gay man that is physically handicapped under the handicapped stall.

When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

Why did the skeleton not go to prom?

Because he had no body to go with.

Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.

What is the difference between a Libertarian and a dumb polack?

Not much difference.

The police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?

The school shooter encounters the emo kid. He reaches for his gun, but the emo kid disappears. He then finds that his gun is not on him.

What's Hitler's favorite letter? Not Z.

I made a website for orphans, but it did not have a home page.

Why do orphans cry alone?

They do not have a mom's lap to sit on and a shoulder to cry on.

Why is Mars red and not orange? Because it would be too bright.

Why is Newton not allowed to visit local farms?

The owners know that forces come in pears.

Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.

Yo momma is so fat, when she fell I was not laughing, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.