Not jokes
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
What time do you think dogs are not happy?
Bulldogs.
I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.
He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
Sans: What is Todoroki's favorite coffee creamer?
Half n' Half hehe.
Papyrus: Sans! He's not even part of our fandom!!!
Sans: Bro don't get so HOT headed about it. Just CHILL.
Sorry not sorry -sans
Why can orphans not play bingo?
Because they can't get a full house.
Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, you idiot. He got nailed before he died!
Why do the police never catch the orphan?
The orphan is not wanted.
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?
Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
Why do people eat cereal for breakfast?
Because why not.
I have tried coke; it is not my cup of tea.
What do you call an orphanage that's not an orphanage?
A homeless shelter.
You're so ugly your mom and dad abandoned you, and you went to the adoption center, and not even the adoption center would take you or let you in.
Warning: if you don't like gummy bears, DO NOT READ.
Q: What do you call a Mexican gummy bear?
A: Delici-Oso
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Not Stephen Hawking."
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...