News jokes

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

Breaking News! A plane crashes into a bridge.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?

A sad news story.

I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.

Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.

How do you tell a child they have cancer?

With a smile on your face.

Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.

Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?

There is a small medium at large.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.