Newness jokes

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

Emo kids counting be like: 1, 2, 3 come hang with me! 4, 5, 6 Gonna get new slits! 7, 8, 9 Suicide! 10, 11, 12 Bring some pills!

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

What is Al-Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.

What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?

"Here Comes The Airplane!"

Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.

What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?

"I guess orange is the new black."

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

All aboard the Magic School Bus! We are going to New York. The second tower has been hit.

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.