Newness jokes

What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?

They can both carve a new emotion.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Every kid in a classroom is relevant, because if one of them gets shot, they will all be featured on the news.

Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?

To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?

They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.

New skin unlocked: Blood splatter!

(Obtained by running over 69 children.)

Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs? They push back harder.

Why is the U.S. so mad about the Twin Towers? It was an accident. The pilots were new.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.

I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.