Newness Jokes

New teacher:everyone stand up if u think you are stupid.

Student: stands up

Teacher: why did u stand up?

Student: I hate seeing u stand up there by yourself

You learn something new everyday. Like the people in 9 11 are the worlds fastest readers they went through 100s in under a seconds

What does Philippe Petit and New York citizens have in common

they both walk over the twin towers

anyone got any new joke i ran through all the pages already

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs and no body. He will be known as "The Head".

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

I other words you can also call it asphalt. Ass-phalt

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7 - When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the 'bright side' of it. She said "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome" 54 students died that day.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?.... New Yorkers, they went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.

I need to get new shoes one of these isn’t right

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

what did the atom say to the other atom? did you see the new Tron movie.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff? Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!!

What's the difference between a brand new Oldsmobile and a brand new Raping?

.......Rape.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?" Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?" Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..." Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then". He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!" Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."