Newness jokes

Have you ever been to the new Disney park called SawCon?

SawCon deez nutz!

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?

Kurt Cobain's microphone.

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Hi guys, the prankster is back!

I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

Why didn’t the autistic boy like Minecraft?

There was a new texture pack.

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

Did you hear? There's a new fast food restaurant coming: Jacko in the Box.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

New business idea: let's put a KFC in Africa and a watermelon shop.

What did the terrorist do when New York didn’t want his food:

Here comes the airplane.

Ur hairline is like a Fortnite map at the start of a new season waiting to be identified.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.