Newness jokes

Have you ever heard about the new virus in China? It's called Hupun.

Hupun DEEZ NUTS!

Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself!

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

What's the difference between China and New York City?

In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.

Have you ever been to the new Disney park called SawCon?

SawCon deez nutz!

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

Hi guys, the prankster is back!

I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

Did you hear? There's a new fast food restaurant coming: Jacko in the Box.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?

Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

New business idea: let's put a KFC in Africa and a watermelon shop.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID.

None of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently.