Newness jokes
Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself!
What's the difference between China and New York City?
In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.
Have you ever been to the new Disney park called SawCon?
SawCon deez nutz!
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?
Kurt Cobain's microphone.
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend said "Hi."
I said, "Knife to meet you!"
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.
There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!
Why did Michael Jackson die?
Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
Hi guys, the prankster is back!
I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...
When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!
Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!
New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.
Student: Stands up.
Teacher: Why did you stand up?
Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.
Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.
I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.
Yo mama so fat, when she farts, it's counted as a new gas element.
When your plane heads for New York...
Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.
My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.
Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95
What did the terrorist do when New York didn’t want his food:
Here comes the airplane.