Never jokes

Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

"Bill, never do that again."

Slow and steady wins the race...

...but it will never fix your ugly face.

Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is the question.

The answer is yes.

There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.

The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

Charlen's hairline is sooooo fat because it was never brushed.

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

How do you avoid getting raped? Never say no.

POV: You keep having auditory hallucinations and fully believe your house is haunted because you never went and got diagnosed for schizophrenia.

I wish death was in the form of a woman.

That way, it would never come for me.

We should give whoever killed Hitler a statue. Oh wait, never mind.

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.

My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."

LOL

Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

'Cause mommy never gave them some.

Once upon a time, there was a crow with a piece of cheese in its mouth. Then a fox came, and when he saw the piece of cheese, he tried to trick the crow. He said that the crow's voice was beautiful, and then he said he wanted to hear him sing, so the crow started singing, and then the piece of cheese fell out of his mouth. He said never trust anyone, and then he walked away.

The time I saw you and you asked me to be your friend.

Me: "Yeah... no. You're too ugly. Even your parents never loved you."

Kid: 😭

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.