Never jokes
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I never knew them.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
Why do orphans never get 5 stars in GTA 5? Because they are not wanted!
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never eat anything that is family size.
What's long and can never wait for more for the ladies' action and likes when it gets harder...
Your penis!
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?
Jack: Bad News first.
Mother: I'm dying!
Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.
Mother: *cries*
Jack was never seen again.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
Why was the people's wedding so miserable...
'Cause during the kiss someone farted so loud and stinky, they agreed to never try to have another wedding.
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
People are like bean burritos. You can eat them EVERY DAY, but you'll never run out.
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.
Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.
Why are orphans not boomerangs? Because they never come back.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
At what point does a joke become a dad joke?
When it disappears and never returns home.