Never jokes

You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?

Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.

Guy 1: Don't you?

Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.

Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#

**Meow...**

Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

How are Black people like communism?

Because they’ll never work, but some of them are willing to give it a shot.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.

Why do ableist people hate autistics?

They're scared they'll never be special enough.

Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"

"No."

"Have you always been honest?"

"No, never been caught!"

Columbine High basketball team will never be good again after they lost their two best shooters.

Why are blind people bad at catching things? Because they never see it coming.

I never make that type of joke. They always seem to crash and burn.

What superhero will orphans never understand?

Homelander.

Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?

Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.

Why can orphans never walk home?

Because there's no way to go.