Never jokes

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?

Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.

Guy 1: Don't you?

Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.

Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#

**Meow...**

Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.

What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years?

The letter M.

What superhero will orphans never understand?

Homelander.

Why can orphans never walk home?

Because there's no way to go.

I never make that type of joke. They always seem to crash and burn.

Why are blind people bad at catching things? Because they never see it coming.

Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?

Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

When a person in a wheelchair says, "You've never taken a step in my shoes," and you say, "To be honest, you haven't either."

Your hairline is so ugly, it’s receding from your face to never see you.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

Columbine High basketball team will never be good again after they lost their two best shooters.

What do the Twin Towers and your siblings have in common?

Once they turn 18, they never come back.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."