My jokes

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

Little kids leave preschool.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

Me and my friend were cranking 90s in Fortnite, then our other friend joined, started flying a plane. We died like all the people in 9/11.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.

Almost all of you suck. If you're following me, hah, this isn't a joke, but it gave my profile a 1 thingy heheh. KYS, Wade =D

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.

playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

I speak for the trees.

*Trees whisper in my ear*

They said six million wasn't enough.

What do you call an orphan with parents?

Idk, I never met one before.

Bonus joke: I went up to an orphan and asked where his parents were. He said, "I don’t have any." I said, "Wonder why."

Another bonus joke: Me: Hey. Orphan: Hey. Me: What do you do for fun? Orphan: Look for my parents. Me: Me, so they're not dead? Orphan: No, they just abandoned me.

More bonus: What do you call a homeless kid?

An orphan.

Last bonus: Why don’t orphanages teach kids about home?

Because they can’t find one.

lmao this is so funny, dark humor can be funny. Sorry, orphans!