My jokes

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

If Will Smith could be in any movie, he would be in "Find My Hairline."

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

I like my women how I like my bacon.

Well Dunn!!!

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

I was falling down the stairs at my local clock tower.

I somehow broke more than 206. I broke 342!

One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.

It got too out of hand and I got spanked.

2023- my dad is a cop.

1800- my dad owns your dad.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

"UwU my balls says mommy."

"Wait, what?" says Jonny. "That's not my mommy!"

My grandfather killed Hitler.

Get it? Get it?

Why did the duck walk across the road? I lost my pecker!

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

What does an orphan say a lot? "Where is my house?"

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.