My jokes

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

I had problems milking my cow one morning. It was an udder failure.

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

My life...

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?

He's Dahmer's son @domink.

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You'll suck my dick 'cause I'm stronger than you.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.

The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.

A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"

"Sure," said the little boy.

The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.

"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Yesterday on the school bus my friend in front of me said she was 41% Irish and 15% Mexican.

Then my friend sitting next to me said, “Wow, almost half leprechaun!”

Then I said, “Yeah, and 15 percent wall climber!”