My jokes

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

The name is Ash, Johnathan Ash. My friends call me Jack.

I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"

Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.

Have you seen my uncle?

Jesus: I have.

God: Me too.

Girl, are you a public school? Because I want to shoot my kids inside you.

"Can I throw you away? You look like my trash can. Oh, wait, you *are* my trash can."

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

My sister is so dumb, she genuinely spent lockdown studying for a COVID test.

A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"

And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"

It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

I slit my wrist and said, "THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" So I did it again, but with a knife and said, "NOW *THAT'S* A LOT OF DAMAGE!" I then put watertight Flex Seal on the wound, and it didn't seal.

My dad was a master of art. He was compared to Houdini due to his skill of disappearing.

Hey, Squidward, say "kid" backward. Also, suck my dick!

Lionel: Leona, please no more singing your annoying Fuzzy Bear song!

Leona: But I love my song, right Fuzzy?

Fuzzy Bear: I am going to bite you for not letting your sister sing my song!

*Fuzzy Bear bites Lionel*

Lionel: AHHHHHHH

I asked this kid for a high five, but he could not reach my hand.

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password. Me: I don't have a password. So you *won't* have a d*ck after I tear it off you.

Doctor, Doctor, I discovered one of the base pairs in my genetic code is erroneously a stop codon?

Nonsense! That shouldn't be happening!