My jokes

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

Suck on my big fat ding dong, you idiot!

My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.

Help! I got my brother pregnant.

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

Jack is a ugly meany who’s not going to my birthday!

@ Kobe the person under my joke, your hairline is so bad that Kobe Bryant could've lived if he landed the helicopter on your forehead.

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My classmates?

Mortar is like a woman's fanny; the more you play with it, the wetter it gets.

My tutor just said this quote of 2k18^^^

Pontypool is rough.

I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

There was an enemy with a machine gun.

My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."

So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"

So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.

That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.

My life, haha, so funny!

I love you, my new phone! 📲

Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"

My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.