My jokes

You’ll need a bib when you’re done eating my ribs.

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

Get it? I read? No... ok.

Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."

Why can't an orphan suck my nut?

A girl can, one knows how.

My mother said I'm sexy. I said no, I have cancer.

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

She lost her ass playing poker...

Me: Hey, have you seen my butt?

Him: No, have you seen where it is?

Me: Maybe here on your private part hehe.

Him: *dumps my head on the toilet* HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR ASS NOW, PERVERT?

I left Twitter for a while, and when I tried to log back in, I found out I was suspended. I realized it was a penalty for saying some prohibited words on Twitter.

Sadly, my idol Pristiano Penaldo took the penalty for me and he missed, and now I'm on my alt. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Why is my butt wet? I forgot.

Yo forehead is so freaking big, but not bigger than my BBC. 😏

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

My I.

May I who?

May I put this pussy on your mouth?

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

Me: I call my girl Cinderella.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because she loves balls.

A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!

What the fuck.

Now I've seen everything.

So you decide one day to ask your son if he wants to f**k, do you do it for 3 hours, then you realize how will I explain another pregnancy to my sterile husband?

Doctor, can I please have a new butt? My old one has a hole and a crack in it.

My wife found a rock and asked if it was expensive, and I said it "leavarite". She said, "Is that expensive?" and I told her, "Leave it right there."

My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"

I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.