My jokes
I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!
I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.
Why'd my grandpa fall over?
'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”
me when my mom wakes me up!
"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."
What's a native chick say after sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.
Your hairline had to "Fahrt" cuz my ass IS your hairline.
Her: Eat my ass!
Me: Yes, chef!
My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."
Teacher: Anyone missing?
Orphan: My parents.
Teacher: Something that is real, kid.
Orphan: My family.
Teacher: OMG, out of my classroom, kid!
My pits are hairy, but my I can carry.
My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.
Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.
A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)
Best thing ever right here.
So, there is this app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12-15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12-15 inches longer.
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Sonic Boom in my ass.