My jokes

My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.

My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(

I'm so emo, my blood is black.

Why did my dad bring a bomb vest to fit in with his Taliban brothers?

What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

Best friend makes joke about 9/11.

Me: My pop was a part of that!

Best friend: So sorry!

Me: My pop was the pilot of the plane, he flew through 89 floors.

Yo, hairline is as accurate as my jump shot.

What do Gay Men and Minorities have in common?

My dad hates them both!

If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

Sometimes I look at my butt for a really, really long time, and suddenly it all becomes clear to me.

Bully: My mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.

Me: (quiet)

Bully: HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Me: Are you talking to yourself? Because I was listening to music until I heard you.

Me: Spell "I cup."

My Friend: I see you pee.

Me: BOII YOU BETTER GIVE MEH SOME PRIVACY IN MY BATH ROOM!!!!

My Friend: Oh hehe O-O

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.

Can you guys comment on my nuts jokes (aka Willma, Bofa, and Savor)? I just want to see if people don't think it's funny.

Guys, my girlfriend calls me: "911, help! There’s a strange man in my room and I think he’s on drugs!"

She’s so nice.

Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.

The sir: My children will be devastated.

Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.

The sir: Whatever it takes.

*Suppressed gunshots*

Q: Name a murderer?

Aborted fetus: My mum.