I was camping with my buddy, and there was a fire. We were roasting marshmallows, and there was a vine. I tripped on it and went penis first into the fire, and I said, "Well, there goes your children, stupid ass!"
My Jokes
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table.
When you end up pregnant...
Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say "DON'T," and if he touched me down there I should say "STOP." But Dad, he touched me both places at once so I said, "DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!" 😂
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
I saw a trophy in my sister's room. So I said congratulations on your cheer leading. My sister said I didn't win the trophy for cheer leading, so I asked why. My sister said I won because I give the best jobs.
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
I named my dog "J," and everyone thought I said "jam."
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
What does a human and a cat have in common? Both take my bed.
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
My life.
I love my family when they're buried alive.
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"
She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."
The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"
"I don't want to go on my at-home history."
- My friend, anon 2019.
"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."
My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."
So I said, "But which one?"
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.
What do you call my IP? 74.125.224.72 hahahahahahahahaha
I like wine how I like my woman.
4 year old locked in a basement.
