My jokes
I like my COVID like I like my women: 19 and easy to spread.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
What’s up with the foot feet?
What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."
What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.
Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.
Me: *in a family meeting*
Mom: Ok guys...
Me in my mind: BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA
My friend and I were playing Poker... And my friend also beat me with Jackass.
Memes
The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old that my pussy is haunted!"
There was a new kid in my school. The first thing the teacher said was, "Me, you, the basement NOW!"
Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.
Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.
Teacher: Why?
Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.
He said he didn't want to be my brother anymore.
He's now my sister.
I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.
I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."
My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."
My teacher: Oliver will be transitioning.
Me: tRaNsItIoNiNg!!!!
My teacher: He will be transitioning from primary school to secondary school.
Me: I thought you meant another transitioning...
I can't wait to have 2020 in my hindsight.
I love riding my bike 🚲.
Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”
My fish puns aren't on porpoise.
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.
My sister said, "LET'S GO TO PIZZA!" So, I went to the pizza shop with her and she replied, "We really only needed the car?"