My jokes

My girlfriend was born on February 29th, so does that mean she is 2 years old?

Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Your Nan.

WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?

My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.

He sucked his sister's poop hole.

What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?

Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.

Guys, can you like my jokes, please?

What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?

My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons, and I am not talking about the balls you play with. I am talking about the boy balls.

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.

The sir: My children will be devastated.

Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.

The sir: Whatever it takes.

*Suppressed gunshots*