My jokes

Wheelchair soccer is just IRL Rocket League. Change my mind.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

Worst joke ever: me and my user.

My entire existence.

My dog once went to Uranus. 🐶🤣🤣🤣

You know, because dogs sniff Uranus? 😂😂😂

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

Katie Price's answer for everything is darkness.

She isn't a dull person, but playing eye spy with my little eye with Harvey is just way too easy.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

You're the sriracha to my hoisin sauce.

And together, we are pho-ever.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

What's the difference between my father and acne?

Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.