My jokes
So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."
"Sing in music lesson"
"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I never knew them.
What does Trump stand for?
Trump Runs Underneath My Penis.
Lady: I am going to come to your house.
Man: Ok.
An hour later, the lady is at the man's house. The man meets her outside of the house.
Man: You are going to cum to my house!
And then he fucks her.
My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.
I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.
My dick itches.
Me and my cancer
Are like a game of Fortnite.
I’ll never win.
Suck my ass, guys!
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."
FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?
LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?
FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!
LONELY ORPHAN: :(
A man came running into a hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know I amputated your arms!"
I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍
I had a disability where I kept pronouncing my "g" as an "r", so one day, I said I liked grapes. Of course, I pronounced it "I like rapes." I was kicked out of preschool.
Someone telling a joke:
Boy: "My parents are dead."
Girl: "My grandad is too."
Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"
Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"