My jokes

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

I ran out of bras, so I wore...

My grandma's underpants!

9 months before I was born,

I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

My dick harder than stone, man.

I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.

Are you the Twin Towers? Because you made my heart explode.

Wolf looks like a fox.

It has the sharpest claws.

It has a bushy tail.

To eat, it doesn't fail.

It has a coat of red.

My grandmother has said,

It hunts in search of food.

It is never, never good!

My teacher said, "Words don't hurt!"

So I threw my dictionary at her.

I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."

My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.