My jokes

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

Can you be my daddy? 🍌😘😉

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: Mrs., can I read my book?

Teacher: Sure.

Me: *watching my Chromebook*

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.

Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.

Freshfry, my friend, please talk to me!

Hi Freshfry, hi Alex, I did not see your messages yesterday because I was at my brother's soccer game, and then people came to our house till 11:00. Lol, sorry :)

I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.

Alex, you will never believe this!!!!!!!!!! Please respond as quick as possible! To my love, Alex!

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

Hello people, my name is Osama.

I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.

My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.

I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?

#Imbored

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.