My jokes
Friend: Do you know him?
Other Friend: Know who?
Friend: My dick!
I'm making a new movie, it's called "Veggie Tales." My star actor is Stephen Hawking.
There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
My favorite Pixar film: Wall-E.
Hi, my name's Dixy.
Dixy Normis.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
The bright side of this pandemic is now both my hands look equally chapped and raw.
My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.
In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!
What did the substrate say to the active site?
"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."
Jerry: My dad got into a fight on a plane.
Jeremy: That's just *plane* crazy!
No one has my back like my dad.
I remember my grandfather's last words:
"Are you holding the ladder?"
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
My Butterfingers slipped.
From the wise words of my friend, "You ain't a man 'til you had a man."
What do you call a green camel?
My parents left me.
Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.
Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(