My jokes

I had a teacher named Mr. Stubs. I asked why he was given that name, and he replied, "My parents said my limbs were spare parts."

I tried phone sex once, lost my bits to a stray "call waiting" beep. Very painful. Never again.

My friend went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in a crate.

He said it was a Shitzoo!

I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!

My brother was stuck in a wheelchair after a motorbike accident. He became a swimming champion until I took the VR headset off.

Back the halls with gasoline, la la la la la.

Light a match and watch it gleam, la la la la la.

My school is burnt into ashes, fa la la la la, la la la la.

A house has a crack. A guy covers it with Plaster of Paris.\n\nHouse: "Where the heck am I supposed to do my shit now?"

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.

I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.