My jokes
I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
A "monster" that has 2 heads, 2 bodies, 6 feet, why am I not afraid of the "monster"? It's my dad riding a horse.
It smells like something died in my room, oh yeah, it's my dignity, hope, and my feeling. Put in the corner of my room, they make a decent blanket to wipe my tears.
Me and my emo group were walking down to the tree and somebody yelled, "Don't leave me!"
Memes
Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."
Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.
I think my dad loves jokes.
Because he laughs when he looks at me.
I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!
For my birthday on Sept. 11 this year, I just want a plane chocolate cake.
Me: "Hey, get my joke on that timeline."
Her: "No."
My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.
My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!
My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.
My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.
My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!
I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.
I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!
My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.