My jokes

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

If my mom decides to get Chick-fil-A for dinner, and when I decide to eat my family for dinner, is that called cannibalism?

Me and my emo group were walking down to the tree and somebody yelled, "Don't leave me!"

Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."

I think my dad loves jokes.

Because he laughs when he looks at me.

I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!

For my birthday on Sept. 11 this year, I just want a plane chocolate cake.

Me: "Hey, get my joke on that timeline."

Her: "No."

My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.

I laughed at my life so hard.

My dad seen RuPaul's Drag Race?

Asked when will they do up the cars!

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

Am I doing my work? Because typing this took lots of work.

My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.