My jokes

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

My boss found my permanent record at the orphanage, and he’s mad. I got fired...

I have said a ton of jokes in my lifetime.

But I got fired from that job.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

Spell "Peppa." Okay. P. E. P. P. A. Hahaha! You said peepee.

I tried this with my sister Makenna because she loves Peppa Pig and has a backpack of it. So I told her to spell her backpack's letters and tricked her... And she is only four years old and my secret is I am only eight years old.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Read my name.

Me and my emo group were walking down to the tree and somebody yelled, "Don't leave me!"

Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.

I think my dad loves jokes.

Because he laughs when he looks at me.

I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!

For my birthday on Sept. 11 this year, I just want a plane chocolate cake.

My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.

My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!