My jokes

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

Hey, wanna hear a joke?

My life :(

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No, it doesn't!"

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.

Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.

Wolf looks like a fox.

It has the sharpest claws.

It has a bushy tail.

To eat, it doesn't fail.

It has a coat of red.

My grandmother has said,

It hunts in search of food.

It is never, never good!

Come, my children, to the bread cult!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

My sister saved a guy from suicide last week.

She was hiking and the guy was on the ridge of a high, narrow cliff. She talked him down, but I think he was just being edgy.

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.

The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.

The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.

The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.

In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”

My penis is so polite. It stands up so girls can sit down.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"

My jokes are cancer.

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.