My jokes

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!

My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.

Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?

The guy was black.

Your mum is so fat, when she was in front of my apartment, I couldn't get in.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa saw it before you!

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.