My jokes

I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

What's the difference between my father and acne?

Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.

My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA

Why do you need an AR-15?

So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

My grandpa was the goat, he killed Hitler! 🥳🥳🥳

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Like petals in the wind, My heart dances for you.

My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.

Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.

One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."

"How many men does your wife have?"

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

Back the halls with gasoline, la la la la la.

Light a match and watch it gleam, la la la la la.

My school is burnt into ashes, fa la la la la, la la la la.

A house has a crack. A guy covers it with Plaster of Paris.\n\nHouse: "Where the heck am I supposed to do my shit now?"

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.