My jokes

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)

Do you like my a-corn-y jokes?

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

My best opinion: when life goes to hell, you just go down with it.

Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.

What did Josef Vasicek think before the plane hit the ground?

"Oh shit, is my name still on the Stanley Cup?"

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

My social life.

My friend is an emo. I asked why he wears black. He said, "Black like my soul." I just walked away.

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

My friends' titties are bigger than my sakuras.

Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."

True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

My uncle died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.