My jokes

Say my name if you like "Breaking Bad."

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.

My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!

My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

Your mum is so fat, when she was in front of my apartment, I couldn't get in.

My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa saw it before you!

Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

Damn, that beat dropped harder than my grandma falling down the stairs.

I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!

For my birthday on Sept. 11 this year, I just want a plane chocolate cake.