My jokes

My gamer tag is TheBigAut.

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

My bf: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

My bf: Ice cream.

Me: Ice cream who?

My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!

My dad left me, lol.

"Why is my name Rose?"

"A rose fell on your head when you were born."

"Why is my name Daisy?"

"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."

"Bedrock is better than Java!"

"Oh, hi Brick!"

Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

A B C D E F G.

Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

What is the difference between you and my dad?

Nothing.

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"