My jokes

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

I love my dog, Sadie.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

My face when “Free Palestine” wasn’t a sales deal.

POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.

The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."

Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

My grandpa died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot.

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

My dad was a great pilot...

He died in 9/11.