My Jokes

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me "Yeah I can read braille". So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read "Screw you, asshole"

my new girl friend is a porn star she would probably kill me if she found out

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

Little johnnys teacher asks him "Johnny ,do you pray before you eat?" little johnny says "I dont need to, my mum makes good food.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. -- He was high on my list of priorities.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 27 Bc my basements still dark...

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes... ...I told him to lighten up.

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly none of it is a 9mm.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says who the fucks be fucking my wife the room goes silent, the guy in the back finishes his beer and says you ain't got enough bullets.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was ‘sleeping with the fishes’. At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.