My jokes

I put this joke so the amount of jokes will be 69. Also, I have 50 kids in my basement. I fed "Twinkies" last night.

POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.

The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

I wanted to visit my pet fish, but it was hard to sea it through the darkness.

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.

She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

Stranger: Do you need hair regrowth products?

Kid: No, my hairline is just far back.

Stranger: Do you need a doctor?

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.

God being a sniper is so fun!

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

Why do I f*** my mom?

Like father like son. #batabababa

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

I thought about learning skydiving without having to afford gear. But the highest place I got is my apartment window.

Son: Dad, can I get a girlfriend?

Dad: Son, no, you are only 10, so no.

Son: Dad, I'm leaving to get a girlfriend.

Dad: Son, nooo, you are not my son!

Son: What did you say? *Son slaps the dad.*

Dad: Good, son, goodbye, get out of my home.

Son: Good, you can go move to a new home.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

I love my new phone.