My jokes

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait.

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Dark, rich, and imported.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Depression hits harder than my dad.

Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.