My jokes

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I hate my wife.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...