My jokes
Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.
Depression hits harder than my dad.
How do you know when an orphan is lying?
When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
I hate my wife.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.
My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at her.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.