My jokes

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I hate my wife.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.