My jokes

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I hate my wife.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.