My Jokes

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I hate my wife.

here's my dick pick

A pink guitar pick with the word "DICK" printed in black text on the pick.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

Depression hits harder than my dad.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.