My jokes

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.

Yo mama so fat, she blocked my internet connection.

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.