My jokes

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Dark, rich, and imported.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait.

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!