My jokes

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Dark, rich, and imported.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

If rape was about power, then my electric bill would be a positive balance.

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.