My jokes

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

So I made a simple cancer joke on Roblox with my friend, and then both her dumb-ass friends were like, "OMG WHY WOULD U SAY DAT? YOUR HORRIBLE!!" That pissed me off. Like damn woman, it's not like I said, "IF PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY DIED FROM CANCER THAT MEANS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ALL DUMB-ASSES." If anything they are actually dumb asses but hey. Also they can't talk. They don't know that I'm abused everyday at home and pressured to get good grades or else I'd get my head bashed against a wall till there is blood. So if they are reading this, SUCK MY ASS BITCH.

Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.

Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Hello my fellow Americans, I'm playing Clash Royale for the USA clan, and two towers are already gone?

I dropped my phone, but it’s on airplane mode.

I've been looking for my parents for years.

For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"

My friend went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in a crate.

He said it was a Shitzoo!

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.