My jokes

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

My favorite planet is Saturn because it is tight next to Uranus.

So, y'all remember Hitler, right?

Ok, so I own a gun with Nazi rounds. I shot a guy who was entering my home who wasn't invited. He said, "Did you shoot me with Nazi rounds?" Then I said, "Do you mean 'nein' millimeter?"

I am Wayde, I like ranga balls, please cum in my ass.

Wanna hear a funny joke?

My life.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."

People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

I love climbing over walls because my ancestry was Mexican.

Your hairline is so old, it’s more wrinkled than my great grandpa's penis.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your dad.

But my dad's dead.

I know, just reminding you!

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

My name is Jamar and I come from afar, ALLAHU AKBAR!

One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱