My jokes

I told my friend to watch Naruto. It's been a week since I've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece.

My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.

Well, because it's impastable.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

Josh: Tell me something funny.

Mark: My life.

Y'all, I'm suspended till Wednesday and can't do much cuz I'm on a tablet, not my computer. Tell autterpop I won't be on till Wednesday or after.

One day I was very happy. I managed to win the lottery and receive a free vacation trip to Saudi Arabia!

Everything was going well until suddenly the FRAUD appeared! It was him, PRISTIANO PENALDO! He dived toward me and grabbed my lottery ticket. I asked him why he is doing this, only for him to reply "I need trip to Saudi Arabia to statpad the PENS!" as he dived back through my window.

Shame on you for stealing my vacation and ruining my day! You are no longer my Idol Pristianooooo!

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

This is the song we all misunderstood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S0QhGGO1gQ

"He said, "One day, you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember." My father told me when I was just a child, "These are the nights that never die." My father told me."

Whenever I think about it deeply, it makes me wanna cry :(

An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Two pedos are on the beach.

One pedo said, "Hey, get out of my son!"

Just watched my friend take a steak out of her pocket. That steak was so outta pocket.

What is the difference between me and cancer?

My mom did beat cancer.

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?

My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.

My brother's addicted to buying ladders; he loves to get high.

What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.

Why did my dad leave me?

Because I was gay.

I wish my grass was edgy...

then it would cut itself...

I like my women like I like my chocolate.

Edible.