My jokes

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

I told my dad that I’m gay. He replied, “No, you're retarded.” Then he went off to kiss a baby.

What is the difference between me and cancer?

My mom did beat cancer.

When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Why did I get a divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

I like my woman how I like my wine, just under 2 years old.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.

Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."

Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin', doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom You know we straight with doin' your mom I like your mama's big butt, and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny that she’s fly. We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that. She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I’m half black. But your moms the best, the super M.I.L.F. Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain’t a chef And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol But if I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all. She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez. Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed. She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I’ll be honest She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna. She’s so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your moms breastestess. I didn’t wanna tell you, but I had to write this song Cause I’m in your house every night doin' your mo-om.

Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin', doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom You know we straight with doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin', doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom You know we straight with doin' your mom

I’m havin' sex with your mother That makes me better than you. I’m havin' sex with your mother That makes me better than you.

Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin', doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom You know we straight with doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom Doin', doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom You know we straight with doin' your mom

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.