My jokes

They say I'll mess up my insides, but I don't have any.

I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

My friend, you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs.

Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.