I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. -- But he's still making fun of me.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn"
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were "You're standing on my oxygen tube"
I like my humor like my people. Well done.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address and my phone number.
jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter
please like this. i bet my friend 20 bucks that i would get to 15 likes before him
They say I’ll mess up my insides, but I don’t have any.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
Little Johnny’s mom is taking a shower little Johnny walks in and asks what is that in between your legs mommy says that is my keyhole the next day little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and little Johnny asks what is that in between your legs daddy says that is my key the next day little Johnny says to his dad looks like the neighbor has the key to mommy’s keyhole too.
By:Xzavier
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I like my women like I like my wine, twelves Year’s old, in the basement, and locked up
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
I named my dog 5 miles so when I walk him I can say I walked 5 miles random guy: I ran over 5 miles
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said "but the world is round"
I said, babe you are my world.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
