My jokes

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Please like this. I bet my friend 20 bucks that I would get to 15 likes before him.

My friend, you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs.

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

They say I'll mess up my insides, but I don't have any.

Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.