one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you." Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
I'm starting to wish my grass was emo. Why? So it would cut itself.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
My life
Tell me when you get it
What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists? Nothing, I cut both of them
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus so he asks his class, “where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “how do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bang on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?”
My friends: ugh why are you so lazy and no fun My parents: why can't u be like ur siblings My teacher: I don't care if ur depressed focus on ur study! The songs: we understand you :)
I was excited my teacher asked my for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks
Sometimes i feel ugly, then i think of my sister and feel better
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”
I have a funny joke: my life
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark
Being sad is my only happiness
My friend has a dry sense of humour
Probably bc her body was decomposed ages ago
Teacher: Ok class I'm going to ask a question about your family. Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11 Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY! Alex: Don't worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died. Teacher: What was that? Alex: Flew the plane.
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
When I die can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
