My jokes

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

My dog got stuck in my ass, help!

I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.

Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.

My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.

When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.

I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.

She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead kids?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

Why do I f*** my mom?

Like father like son. #batabababa

What do you call my brother in the water?

"Tsunami."

Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

"Hey, Firesharky... How did you know if I was your brother when I'm not? You didn't even say my name, and plus, I'm lying about my name."

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

I love my new phone.

Why did my brother cross the road?

Because he was looking for his brain.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

For some reason, people make fun of my name because it rhymes with something that starts with an F.

Boosterthon asks to raise up to $35,000.

I donate $35,000. I ask, "What's my prize?" Boosterthon worker says, "Here's a headband." Me: "I donated the goal, so is that it?" Boosterthon worker: "No, it's $35,000 per person." I pass out. Boosterthon worker goes back to work like it is a regular day.