My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said "but the world is round"
I said, babe you are my world.
Sometimes i feel ugly, then i think of my sister and feel better
I have a funny joke: my life
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn"
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were "You're standing on my oxygen tube"
Teacher: Ok class I'm going to ask a question about your family. Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11 Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY! Alex: Don't worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died. Teacher: What was that? Alex: Flew the plane.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus so he asks his class, “where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “how do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bang on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?”
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark
Being sad is my only happiness
My friend has a dry sense of humour
Probably bc her body was decomposed ages ago
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
When I die can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. -- But he's still making fun of me.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
