My jokes

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.

Anyone else on here looking at depressing jokes to make themselves feel better? Not that it's working, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Well, enough with the sob story, I gotta go get my razors. See ya in the long run.

Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.

Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?

Then there is me: My life.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.

Person B: Over my dead body.

Person B: *gets the noose*

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

My arm: "I'M GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT!"

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....