My jokes

Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

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