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My jokes

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"