My jokes

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

I love climbing over walls because my ancestry was Mexican.

"UwU my balls says mommy."

"Wait, what?" says Jonny. "That's not my mommy!"

My grandfather killed Hitler.

Get it? Get it?

My hairline may be straight, but I’m not.

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.

Why is my pee green? Because, "NEIN, ITCH BIEN FIRST REICH!"

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!

Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.