My jokes

Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."

Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.