My jokes

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

I'm gonna cut my life off.

"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."

Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.

+1 Comet.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.