"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.
"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.
"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"
"You getting kicked out, bro?"
"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."
"Is she one of them woke bitches?"
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.
Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.
Husband: The second we entered the beach,
Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.
An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.
What do the Twin Towers and my Mom have in common? They both went down on my dad.
I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...
My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.
I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
Hey girl, are you a scientist?
Cause you made my thing into a baking soda volcano.
