My Jokes

I like my women like I like my chocolate.

Edible.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I was talking to my old friend. They said, "We should hang out more!"

I said, "You mean we should ketchup?"

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.

Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"

One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."

The other said, "Really? I like my bed."

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Wanna hear a funny joke?

My life.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

She lost her ass playing poker...

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.