My jokes

You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.

My life.

What does a human and a cat have in common? Both take my bed.

My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."

Want to hear a joke? My life.

My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.

At least Stephen Hawking does something.

Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

My sister has cows, and after 4 months, she said there was a mis-steak.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.

Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!

My friends: Hi to my little friend!

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!