An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.
Wife:Honey im pregnant
Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad
Wife:No you’re not
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.
They laughed at my crayon drawing
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
My family is like a treasure…
You need a map and shovel to find them.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”
- One of the thousands of missing children
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…”
The room was full of arm amputees.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie because she is crazy” to which Mickey responds: "I’m not divorcing her because she’s crazy, i’m divorcing her because she’s f**king Goofy.
What to you call ot when a Mexican and a pedofile fight?
Alien vs Preditor