Friend

Anonymous

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

Speed

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Wife

Weeb

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

Shooting

Anonymous

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

Letter

Cranbox

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Difference

Person

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Twin Towers

Korbin

Why are the twin towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.

Shovel

Natalie

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Body

Bloodcurdling scream

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Singing

GRUCK

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…”

The room was full of arm amputees.

4

Star

Anonymous

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Brother

The Indiscriminate

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Salad

Anonymous

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

7

Team

Anonymous

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat

6

Gun

The Milkman

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already

Girlfriend

Anonymous

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Number

Anonymous

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

Uncle

Anonymous

Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.

7

Virgin

darkjokelord669

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?