Wife

Weeb

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

Shooting

Anonymous

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

School

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Friend

Anonymous

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

Number

Anonymous

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

Kid

Cranbox

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Gun

The Milkman

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Twin Towers

Korbin

Why are the twin towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.

Body

Bloodcurdling scream

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Shovel

Natalie

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Wife

Person

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Priest

HerpDerpGaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Candy

The Special

My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”

  • One of the thousands of missing children

Ex

The Special

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Arms

GRUCK

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…”

The room was full of arm amputees.

Daughter

Tyler

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

War

Anonymous

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

King

Russell8833

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie because she is crazy” to which Mickey responds: "I’m not divorcing her because she’s crazy, i’m divorcing her because she’s f**king Goofy.

Little Johnny

Bloodcurdling scream

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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