When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
Wife:Honey im pregnant
Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad
Wife:No you’re not
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My family is like a treasure…
You need a map and shovel to find them.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…”
The room was full of arm amputees.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
They laughed at my crayon drawing
I laughed at their chalk outline.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”
What was Steven Hawking’s last words?
The windows xp log out sound
My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”
- One of the thousands of missing children
I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty three times.