I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
They laughed at my crayon drawing
I laughed at their chalk outline.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.
Wife:Honey im pregnant
Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad
Wife:No you’re not
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”
If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already
what’s the difference between a feminist and suicide vest
a least one does something when it is triggered
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie because she is crazy” to which Mickey responds: "I’m not divorcing her because she’s crazy, i’m divorcing her because she’s f**king Goofy.
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, “If you’re happy and you know it…”
The room was full of arm amputees.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.
My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”
- One of the thousands of missing children
What to you call ot when a Mexican and a pedofile fight?
Alien vs Preditor
How did Helen keller’s mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”